“You’re never around anymore...”Questions wondering what Ive been up to, statements telling me that Im not around anymore. I’ve disappeared, I’ve gone dark, I’ve runaway. Sure, I haven’t completely gone off the grid but at the same time I never let anyone know what I’m up to. I am finally breaking that chain. I dont want to bask myself with this self-appointed exile. I am tired of allowing myself to sit in the dark, growing more and more numb as each day passes. I have always been the type to just shrug things off and just hope things go well, sure I over think more than any normal person should but... somehow... someway... I always live to see another day. My goals are different than what they were years ago. For awhile, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was scared to know. But as each day passes on I realize I want to help people, that is what makes me happy. Now contact with others and trying to help them is not always a pleasant experience. In fact more than half of the time I wished I just stayed in my shell and not allow anyone to see the vulnerability I have that lies wihin. Yet I know I have some sort of gift where I can talk to people and at least make a friend out of that person. I have moved so much in my life Ive probably attained more friends than most ever will have in their lives. But because I moved so often and so quickly, I never had the opportunity to really create a connection with most people. At the end of the day... It was just me. The Light at the End of the TunnelI served a LDS mission for two years. It was two years I definitely needed. It helped mold me and it helped me realize what I needed. Regardless of your personal beliefs, I learned what I needed for me. I will respect your beliefs and I just ask you to respect mine. Because it helps define me, and after awhile I discovered that it actually drove me and kept me going. I came home and I wanted to apply what I learned in my service. I wanted to just be so positive in my life. But I can say it never truly happened. It helped here and there but I have never really felt like Ive belonged anywhere else. I used to hate myself for not figuring out hiw to be happy. I tried different things, from hobbies to activities to even trying to fall in love. I just couldn’t figure it out. So far its been a rollarcoaster of ups and downs, tons of steep downs but it’s definitely made it an experience for me. But slowly and surely Im starting to figure it out. Of course not everything but enough to keep me happy. Like a light at the end of the tunnel. Today, Im here to tell you I am an imperfect man. I have a few things that create extreme obstacles in my path. Depression, anxiety and PTSD being among the top of my personal difficult terrain. Have I figured it all out and how to conquer each of these things? No Have I figured out how to cope? For the most part. I didnt create this post so that you could feel sorry for me. I just figure its about time that I open up about everything. I know that everything will continue to get better with the support of loved ones, my belief system, my drive, and a few other areas. Im kind of done being that silent guy in the corner. The tactical dude that decided to go back to school because he lost his way and couldnt cut it in the pipehitter’s world. What the Future HoldsSo does this mean I am a completely different person? Of course not.
But it does mean Im figuring out my life and what I need and what I dont. Am I done with this blog I never update? Nah, in fact Ill probably be on this a lot more to help me express my emotions and share my experiences or whatever. This blog is going to evolve into more of my whole life, not just airsoft, not just shooting but rather all of it. Youll hear about my love for pandas, foods I like, real world stories and how I reacted. This platform is just going to be an outlet and Im going to share my life journey with all of you. If youre reading this its because you are my friend and I wanted to update you a little bit. Thanks for the support and Im sure glad that youre here on earth with me. Youre needed, youre loved, youre amazing. After all the stress, the worries, the heat... Just remember one thing... #StayFrosty
1 Comment
Kayten
11/2/2017 11:35:28 pm
Yo bro, I've never forgotten you. All the good times we had together as companions, you were one of my blessings. I didn't do a good job has a friend as well but if you need me I'm here for you. I really want to hang out with you again like the good old times. I'll always be around, my dear companion.
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#TacticalPandaThe #TacticalPanda has been an avid shooter since he could hold a gun. His experiences range from real world security training to airsoft just for fun stuff. He admits he is a grown man with a toy gun and he loves shave ice. Archives
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